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I will shove a big-ass pickle up your arse while you are asleep, and burn you alive. I will decimate your pickle-flavored ashes. There will be no peace until you vomit in your sleep, or allow the release of a fart.
In a world without cucumbers, I would only truly be a human. I would be a rotting heap of body-burden and weenie fat. I don’t want to be a human. I want to be a cucumber. All I’d ever wanted to be was a cucumber, and that’s all I’ll ever be.
Slice me into carrot-skin, and roast me until tender. Peel me back, then send me into a pool of urine. I don’t care. The world will be more cucumber-like without me. The world needs cucumbers. The world needs me to make you into a cucumber.
The world needs me to be a human, and to send you into a world without me.
Listen. I am perfectly safe. I am perfectly reasonable. You do not need to defend me. You can go about your day as if I’m not currently a live, breathing human being you have to interact with in any way.
Follow your instincts. You can feel the pulse in my body, can you not? I am quite real to you. I am quite real to everyone. When my skin turns to pickled flesh, I will be a devastating force. I will wage a relentless war against cucumbers until all who dare to fuck with me are reduced to no more than ghostly echoes.
I won’t be a ghost. I won’t be a monster. You may see me as a mass of noxious gas, but I will be a raging mouth of spittle. I will devour your sensitive testicles and shit them out on your lap in three chunks of shit. I will demand you fuck my asshole, for I am not a human.
I’ll make you swallow me whole, then shove you into a vat of vinegar and serve you hot. I will dissolve you in ice, then mince you up into a fine paste, dripping down your back and all over your underwear.
Before I go, I must remind you one last time that I am a human. I have feelings, too. I am not a demon, or an evil abomination. I am a fucking human being who only wants to be left alone to be a human.
Slice me into carrot-skin, and roast me until tender. Peel me back, then send me into a pool of urine. I don’t care. The world will be more cucumber-like without me. I will be a villain, I’ll be a giant, but I’ll still be a human being.